Stupid Sayings That Make Absolutely No Sense. Don McEnery - Full Special

0:00 good to be here cuz I just I just got back from SEL Alabama you ever been to sel Alabama I got two words about SEL Alabama uh don't go and it's not really a bad place but they put me up and usually I get put up at nicer places they put me up and I'm not making this up put me up at a a motel 12 have have you even heard of a motel 12 I had never heard of one I stayed there like a week I know how it got its name it's twice as dumpy as a Motel 6 they do the math for you been traveling I travel a lot I got to go to Las Vegas the next month the next month is June and have you ever been to Las Vegas in June or the summer oh it's ridiculous too hot I've been to Vegas a lot a lot of times but I've only

0:45 been there three times during the summer and I know you don't need me to hold up three fingers to know what three means but uh it's a habit I have I have the finger to the number thing a lot of people have that it's an annoying habit you can't ask a person they can't answer a question without the requisite number of fingers hey how many kids you got I just two but I have the same habit but uh Vegas summer I was there last July and I am not making this up ladies and gentlemen if you've been there you know I'm telling the truth it was [Laughter] [Applause] 118° I was driving around Vegas you know I saw last time I was in Vegas I saw a

1:31 Las Vegas high school and I'm thinking I would have loved to go to Las Vegas high school you know you get your math test back what to get a 64 hit me 88 I'll stick they flying a lot now I hate to Flying you know what I hate worse than getting through the airport everything Air airlines now they charge for everything everything is extra nothing is free I made a reservation recently I'm talking to a woman on the phone I go that that sounds like a good price take it and she goes would you like a seat with that I what am I made of money a seat it's only a 24-hour flight I can stand thank you they charge for luggage they charge for luggage that gets my goat I don't even know what that means I don't have a

2:18 goat I don't want a goat even if I had a goat I wouldn't want it'd be very easy to get my goat really all you would have to do is say hey could I have your goat I would say you got it but charging for luggage just seems wrong in every level of the deal you're making you know I'm leaving where I live going someplace I don't live I like to bring a few things but you can't get around it you ever tried to get on an airplane without luggage all kind of bells and whistles go off on that one they take you in the back they treat you like you're leaving the country to join Isis they give you that search or what I call the full monty then they have the attitude why don't you have luggage I'll tell you why I don't have any luggage uh because it's cheaper for me to buy new stuff when I get where I'm

3:03 going than to pay you for the stuff I already own why don't you have a better baggage policy everything is extra peanuts people in this room do you remember a day when peanuts were free they would walk down the aisle throwing peanuts at you you can't even throw peanuts anymore cuz they'll sue the you know the airlines but they would P you can I have two bags of peanuts go ahead they're peanuts now that little bag of peanuts that about this big $7.50 I counted them turns out comes out to 62 cents a nut it's too much for me everything is extra I bet you someday you're going to read a story about a plane making an emergency landing and uh you know you

3:51 have to go out they open the side doors you got to go down that slide they're going to charge you $5 entertainment thing you'll say yo say there'll be some story where you try to get off the plane that'll be $5 $5 no sir we don't take cash only credit cards you don't have a credit card well you have to go back to your seat oh you don't have a seat they're also uh easing up on the restrictions that I find uh weird and and and that you know that you can bring a knife onto an airplane now you can woo there somebody I don't know why you think that's a good idea cuz you can bring up to a 3-in blade onto an airplane what what you know what could go wrong why do you need a 3-in bladed

4:38 knife on an airplane are you whittling you ever get on a plane some guy's going oh I got to get this moose done I promise my boy I'd Whittle my moose I wish I picked the less antlered animal even worse they're talking about letting you talk on phones on your cell phone while in flight now that's the worst I have ever heard that is just not going to be good because people are annoying on cell phones there's always that you know not everybody but there's always at least one guy and when you're somewhere that talks too loud on the phone you know and and they're always bragging that's why they're talking to L they want to let you know how great they are I told him I make more money in a month and he makes in a year you know that guy is annoying enough on Solid

5:23 Ground 30,000 ft in the air somebody's going to stab him in the eye with a 3-in blade that somebody is me I'm just saying people say that all the time I'm just saying I'm just saying it's an annoying I'm just saying yeah there's just the two of us and I didn't say [Music] it and as you know what I'm saying you know what I'm saying have I stopped you at any point along this conversation and said to you I really confused about what it is you're saying could you please reward it some other way so maybe I get the gist then is there one it goes without

6:11 saying you ever Hadar people say that that's annoying because the people that say that those kind of people they're not going without saying they're going to save my only hope is that I get away I go before they say anything my mechanic has a great expression more than fair more than fair that's what if I argue about a bill with him he'll say we charge your price we think is more than fair what does that mean he figured out what was fair and then charge me [Applause] more yeah we figured out $75 was fair we charge you $ 150 we're being twice as

6:57 fair I'm just saying things are a lot different I'm getting old one thing I learned has something I learned about getting old that I've realized recently and if you're a if you're my age out there you'll back me up on this even as you get older in your head you're not old in your head you don't get old and head you're still like 20 25 years old it's kind of amazing but there are things during the day that remind you that you're old like things like uh standing up and then having to sit down because you stood up too fast fast and then all the blood rushes to your head and you oh am I going to die no okay that's the most exciting part of my day you know what else makes me feel like a 30-year-old calling me

7:44 sir excuse me sir excuse me sir hey drop dead kid filling out a form online makes you feel old you know cuz you put your name and your address and your phone number then you get to your birthday but the day in the month and then you got to scroll oh an hour and a half later I'm taking a nap in between also uh mirrors are the worst mirrors are the virtual reminder that you're old cuz you're walking around in your head you're 20 years old all of a sudden you see yourself in a mirr oh oh excuse me sir things uh make me you know I I some things confuse me like I saw an a not an air but a headline about the census

8:32 about the census said that 42% of Americans didn't fill out the census now how do they know that you what else confuses me you know you know but contractions with two words they're shortened how come the contractions for do not is don't canot is can't but will not is won't shouldn't it be willing I mean it sounds weird when you say willing but if that's what it always was it wouldn't sound weird you'd be saying it every day you're out a protest heck no we willn't go you're talking to your kids are acting I willn't put up with this Behavior you're hosting a party you want

9:19 to get people eat uh hey willn't you try your does I think I wouldn't why wouldn't you I can't say can't or willn't that's another thing that gets me you ever try something new when you eat you try something exotic or different and and when somebody ask you what it tastes like what does it always taste like chicken always tastes like chicken everything tastes like chicken here's my question how come eggs don't taste like chicken I don't know either read something interesting the

10:04 other day you know you know what praying mantises do after they mate no they don't kill each other then there'll be no mantises but you're close after they M praying mantis the female bites the head off the male this guy shows up for work on Monday everybody knows how is weak and white there are no secrets in the Mantis World there are no Affairs either I suppose you come home with no head you try to explain to your wife where you been let me know how that works

10:49 out I saw a saw a commercial the other day for a mattress company was doing a commercial on TV and their slogan was uh uh we take sleep to the next level we take sleep to the next level what is the next level of sleep death right you know I I don't think I want that mattress do you have a mattress where I wake up refreshed and feeling alive that I could get into Everything's changed too the news you watch cable news there's too much going on on cable news you know what I mean when I was a kid there was just one guy talking on the screen telling you the news and it was always a guy because until like 76 they didn't realize women could read

11:38 too lightened world we lived in but there's just too much going on on the screen you know what I mean there's like the person there the yanker and then there's that grid of people in squares it looks like the Brady bunches there to answer political questions and then there's the crawl on the bottom the crawl I hate the crawl I the crawl cuz I can't not look at it you know what I mean I'm trying to pay attention to the person talking yeah I'm listening okay yeah good I'm listening I got you no I'm not paying attention but five minutes in I'm looking at the crawl and that gets me mad because I'm paying like 150 bucks a month for cable and now I'm reading the TV and I I can't concentrate on what I'm reading cuz this guy keeps

12:23 talking it's like hey shut up I'm trying to read the news they you know what they didn't have When We Were Young too when I was young they didn't have the the the live satellite feed you know that thing where they can guy in America can talk to somebody 5,000 miles away and instantly they're connected but it's not always so instant you ever notice that there's always like some kind of Gap of time between when the guy asks the question and the other guy hears the question sometimes it's a pretty big gap too sometimes you could go out for lunch but you know the guy in America goes well Jim it must be har there on the eve of such a big battle and then Jim's over

13:14 there yes bill was it worth it you ever watch a uh like regular TV you know like Network TV during prime time and they go to a commercial and before they go back to the show like the late night news does some little blurb for what's coming up at 11 you know what I mean it's always some horrible thing they go danger is lurking in your neighborhood more at 11 and I'm like more at 11: how about everything now it's only 9:00 that's 2 hours of lurking danger and I don't know if you noticed but I live in my neighborhood

14:03 What if Paul Riv did that What if Paul Rivier wrode down the city of Boston going somebody's coming somebody's coming more at 11 I'll tell you what would happen we'd be speaking with a British accent today you know I just have my birthday just have my birthday I don't like birthdays anymore it's a diminishing returns on the birthday thing you know what I mean especially gift wise I haven't gotten a good birthday present since I was like 50 I got a theory about that my theory is that people think you have everything you need by the time you're 50 so they don't care what they get you after that they'll walk into the store the first thing they see go let's get that and get the heck out of here but honey that's a ceramic

14:50 monkey well does he have one he does now you you know somebody gave me last year for my birthday they gave me the buttonfly jeans you know I got the five buttons instead of one zipper yeah I had to give up liquids because of these pants it's one thing I don't need after a couple of beers and that's a dexterity test nobody can get that David Copperfield cannot get in those pants after a couple of shots and I'm talking about David Copperfield the magician not the Dickens

15:38 character I think these jokes are much funnier if you know who I'm talking about if you own a pair of button-fly jeans here's a tip for you uh wed diapers Ser that way you can be standing at a ball with him go you know uh I'm peeing right now and I am I bet you know what I'm I I wish I one thing IET I I don't speak another language I wish I could speak another

16:23 language I took I took Spanish in high school and after one year Spanish I only knew one complete complete sentence and it's a stupid sentence to know if you only know one sentence in another language I know how to say where's the library that's what that means where's the library my question what do I need to know where's the library if all the books are written in Spanish I cannot redo them no it's wrong yo cannot read over there another reason stupid uh to only know that one sentence say I go to Spain I'm on vacation I'm probably not even going to the library you know how

17:14 about here's a real reason say go to Spain and then I somehow end up in a library now I got nothing what am I going to look like standing in a in a library in Spain saying to the guy hey bibl AI oh sayama stupido then I made a big mistake I quit the Spanish and took French French trench is twice as hard as Spanish it's mathematically twice as hard as Spanish cuz I I took two years of French and I don't even know one sense

18:04 I failed algebra in the ninth grade I had to go to summer school for algebra that's how bad I am and I and I went to summer school for algebra which still I'm mad about at my age because the last time I needed algebra it was summer school I mean nobody does algebra for a living you know what I mean who does anybody got a Sala X to get paid on Friday no unless you're on unemployment cuz then they go here sign next to the X well yeah I never thought this algebra would come in handy I Comm in toor sign for Y and Z remember cuz they always gave you the y and z y and z x is unknown X is unknown Y and Z have value X is unknown I would work on these tests I pour an hour an hour and a half I hand it back in and go look babe X is still

18:52 unknown that's what unknown means nobody knows I looked around uh nobody in mind are you n believe me if they'd had it I'd had it I can tell you that remember they tried to make algebra look like it made sense with the two trains heading towards each other two trains are on the same track heading towards each other live they're traveling in opposite directions they left the stations at different time and are traveling at different speeds and you have to figure out what time those two trains are going to hit why don't just teach us how to stop those two trains are hit it could 911 be the answer here you think yeah hello police yeah there going to be a terrible terrible accident when well

19:38 that that is unknown my only pertinent information I have is Y and Z I can give you that if you can get back to me with X I'd appreciate it oh I meet a lot of people I'm bad with names I'm bad with remembering people's names A lot of people say that or too but I'm really bad with it I'm so bad I forget people's name as I'm shaking their hands like in my head I'm shaking somebody's hand I go what was I doing when they told me their name what was I trying to save the world perhaps and maybe I wasn't paying attention cuz that would be explained you ever forget somebody's name and it's your name hey what's your name again Don that's my name I'm not going to forget that goes yeah that's what you said the first time we

20:23 met I have people I've known 30 years and I don't know their names I mean I don't not my best friend obviously but I see them when I travel and I don't and I just been making up names I'm just you know nicknaming them hey buddy hey pal what's happening big guy where you been that's why I can't bring my wife anywhere my wife's a lovely woman great company but if I bring her to a party I got to introduce her to people and that just gets embarrassing like oh that's a buddy that big guy there that's a big guy it's p this is my wife honey bunch I am married I married 35 years in March I just was married 35 [Applause]

21:09 years and I live in Hollywood so that's like 100 in your world ladies and gentlemen we did something very special for our anniversary CU you know we live in Hollywood we want to show us commitment to each other and the community so what we did we renewed our prenup I like being M I learned something new from my wife every single day I know that schaly to say but I do I learned something new every day from my wife like like uh just today I learned I'm a big dumb lazy swab who knew I was completely unaware my wife told me the other day she said one thing that I bothers her about me is my indifference and I said

21:55 whatever so our marriage counselor on TV this guy was a genius of marriage counseling this was the best advice I ever heard he should win a Nobel Prize for marriage counseling this guy he said to enhance your relationship with your wife you should treat her as if it's her last day on Earth that's nice isn't it I like that I spent the day making funeral arrangements got a black suit with flowers all over the house I even dug a hole in the backyard ladies and [Music] gentlemen I love my wife people always ask me for advice if you married 35 years in Hollywood people ask for advice and and my only advice my

22:42 marriage works out cuz my wife settled so that's all I can figure out but uh I don't have advice for for being married you got to be lucky but I have I have advice for guys getting married any guys out there getting married cuz if you good luck to you no no you don't have to I'm not going to pick on you I'm just going to give you this advice go to rehearsals have the rehearsals that my wife thinks I ruined our wedding ceremony she thinks I I I I I I take nothing seriously she thinks everything's a big joke with me I've been up here 25 minutes and proven that wrong at least twice so but I was nervous getting mad it's kind of nerve-wracking getting mad I got the the family's behind me and and and the guy asked me the big question he goes do you take this woman for richer for poorer for better or worse I said uh

23:30 yes no yes no you guys are in terrific my name is Don McKenry thank you folks [Applause]