0:00 Hi. Hello. I just had a very important conversation with someone that I can't believe that I've never shared this information with you guys. So, you know how sometimes you get like intensely attracted to a person? Like, you just you see someone and you're just like, "Oh my god, they're the person for me. Like, I don't know why I feel so attracted to them. Like, they're the best person in the world ever." And then they destroy you emotionally to the point that you do not think you are coming back, right? And that keeps happening like over and over or you keep getting rejected by this person that you were so intensely attracted to. There's a reason for this. So it's because you're addicted to stress accidentally. And let me explain this. So I'm very bad with love. And I get intense attractions towards very
0:46 emotionally unavailable people. In the past, the only people that I have had crushes on are either people that did not want me back or people that did not have the capacity to hold the intensity of the love that I am able to give because I am a very romantic person. I'm very very emotional. And when I love, I love intensely, right? And I don't numb my emotions. Like I'll cry in front of anyone. I don't give a [ __ ] right? Um, I feel the depth of all of my emotions and I do not numb them, which means I feel love to its intensity. Right? And so, so, so, so I always get attracted to emotionally unavailable people and I've never been in a relationship relationship, but just I develop crushes on them and it is the most painful thing
1:32 because it starts this cycle of rejection where I think this person likes me. I think that something is about to happen here, but I think we're engaged in a game of chicken. So, I ask them out instead of them asking me out. And then they're like, "I never liked you. What are you talking about? I never liked you. What? Why would you think I would like you? What's wrong with you?" And it hurts so bad. I either get ghosted, I get ignored, I get people just flat out rejecting me and then never talking to me again. That is my love life. I talked to one of my therapists about this just like on an off chance. I was like, "You know, I feel really unlucky in love." And he's like, "What do you mean by that?" And I said, "Well, every time I go to have a crush, I get rejected." And it hurts real bad because like every guy that asks me out, I don't feel intensely
2:18 attracted to them. And every guy that I ask out doesn't want me. So, it feels like I'm losing a game here. And he's like, "What kind of guys do you ask out, Bailey?" I was like, "Oh, just like this type." And I described them and he's like, "You only ask out emotionally unavailable people." And I was like, "Well, I didn't know they were emotionally unavailable before I talked to him and he's like, "Yes, you did. Yes, you did." And he said, "Your body gets used to the kind of love that you constantly receive. And your body also gets used to the amount of stress and chaos that you receive." So, if you had a very weird childhood or a very just abusive childhood or the love that your parents andor siblings gave you was chaotic and bad, your body will perceive
3:04 that as love. So then when you go out into the world, you will not look for the people that are good for you, but you will be attracted towards the people who trigger your nervous system to the point of stress. You will be attracted to the people who will not be able to give you the love that you truly want. They will give you the love that you are used to receiving. And I was like, you got a point there, Dean. And he's like, "Have you ever been asked out by a guy and you didn't feel intense emotions towards them?" That was healthy because when someone asks you out or you have a crush on a person, you don't actually know them. You don't know anything about them. So, how are you
3:51 supposed to know that you love them? You love how they trigger you because it reminds you of home. And if home was a burning building, you're going to be attracted to burning buildings. You're not attracted to what's healthy. You're attracted to what's familiar. And all you know is chaos and stress. So that's all the partners that you're going to be attracted towards. And I remember every single guy that's ever asked me out, I wasn't intensely attracted towards them. So I rejected them. I said, "No, no, thank you." Like, "I'm not interested." And the ones that made me feel calm, the ones that didn't trigger my nervous system, the ones that I was interested in but not intensely attracted in was
4:39 healthy. Because how are you supposed to love a person when you do not know them? And you don't know someone till like two years down the line in my opinion at least. because I've known people for a year and then at like the year mark they change and they're different for the second year or something like that. I I say two years I know a person, right? So even if you're dating a person, you don't really love love them till about two years into the relationship or at least a year into a relationship because you don't truly know them. If you're in love with someone you have never dated or you're in love with someone that you are not close with, you cannot say you love them. You are in love with the idea of them. Say it with me again, people. You are in love with the idea of them. You
5:25 are in lirance, not love. You are in obsession, not connection. And I know cuz I'm an expert at it. I'm batshit [ __ ] crazy. Woo. Anyway, if you're like me and you're constantly getting rejected by people, it's because your body is a heat seeeking missile towards the people in the room that will hurt you the most. Because okay, you know how you can stand near a person and you kind of can tell when they're about to lose it? Like you when you stand next to a person, you can kind of feel that something is wrong or that there's a shift in their energy or that they're about to cry or that they're about to scream or that they're about to punch a hole in the wall. You can sense from their eyes. You can sense from their body language. You can sense from who they are. Even if you don't
6:12 want to believe it, each of us has kind of an energy field around us, an emotional energy field that whatever emotions we are feeling, the other people, other people around us, if they are empathetic, if they are intuitive, if they have like common sense and decency, they can kind of tell how we're feeling, right? You can tell when a person is happy, you can tell when a person is sad, you can tell when a person is angry, you can tell when a person is in love, you can tell just by body language and just paying attention. And so when you walk into a room, not consciously, subconsciously, your brain is able to seek out the one person in the room that is emotionally unavailable based purely on body language and energy. Purely on body language and energy because it will
6:58 remind you of the people that hurt you. Their body language will mimic the people that hurt you. Their body language will mimic that of an emotionally unavailable person. And you will immediately fall in love with them upon first sight because it is not love. It feels like home. And home is a burning building that you still keep returning to. You cannot always, especially if you grew up with trauma, especially if you've been abused before, especially if you've been in a bad relationship, you cannot run towards the people you are attracted to intensely because that is not attraction. That is future abuse. That is repeating the cycle. Instead, you need to go for the people
7:45 who make you feel calm. The people that you can effortlessly just be yourself around. The people that you are interested in but not intensely attracted to. The people that you can share a silence with. The people that you know that if you said absolutely anything to them, they would not give a [ __ ] The person that if you called them up on the phone and you're like, "Hey, I just committed a murder. can you come and help me with the body, please? And they're like, "Yeah, I'm on my way." That kind of person. The person that you never have to question your self-worth around. The person that you're not even scared to ask out, that person. The person that you don't have to work up for months to say something
8:33 to that person. the person that when you go on dates with them, you might get excited beforehand, but you're not like excited up out of your mind. You feel like everything's amazing. Oh my god. You feel like that is chaos. And chaos feels a lot like excitement. It's adrenaline. It is this tension that you crave. It is this is this giant emotion. It is this explosion that you think is love. I promise you it is not love. That is pain. Because attraction in relationships is a lot more about how
9:19 people treat each other. Any two people can be in love. I have this theory. So there's three things that I think that if any three pe that if any two people shared these three things, they would be able to fall in love. And love is both a feeling and an action. A feeling of love is I have a deep affection for you. I want you to succeed. I want you to do the best in this life and I want to be there for it all. I love you and only you. I love everything about you. And then love being an action means I am willing to do whatever it is to make your life better. It's both an action and a feeling, right? But I believe that in order for any two people to fall in love, three things have to be there. constant communication, constant efficient communication, not screaming, not yelling. There's compromise. There's
10:07 communication. So, there needs to be good communication, not screaming and yelling and fighting. That happens sometimes, but it shouldn't be a consistent thing. Communication means we talk every day. We share our day with each other. We make sure that the other is okay. If the other is not okay, we do something to build them up. And we have fun together. And we make sure that the communication line is always open no matter what. and that there are no bad feelings that are not communicated. Number two, you have similar goals and similar future plans in mind. Like you you aren't building in two different directions. You're not like, oh, I want to get married and I want to settle down in a cottage in Texas and have kids and the other's like, well, I want to go and paint in Paris and I don't want kids. You know, you can't if your visions are
10:53 too different for your futures, you can't be together. It's just not going to happen. So you need to have a similar goal for the future and a similar future that you are building towards. And number three, the want to be in a relationship because humans are meant to be in pairs, right? But there's periods of our life where we need to go through solitude. There's periods of our life where we need to be by oursel. I know that for a fact that like right now in my life, I need to be my by myself. Even if someone was to ask me out, I'm in a period of my life where I need to go through solitude right now. I don't need to be around someone. I don't need to be taking care of someone. I don't need to be making sure that someone is okay. I'm going through a period of solitude right now. That's not on the table for me. It would be irresponsible of me to be in a
11:39 relationship right now. It would be irresponsible because I do not have the time or emotional space to hold someone else right now. But when I do want a relationship, that's when I will go out and seek one. Correct? You have to want to be there. And I believe that if you have these three things in any two people, they can fall in love. So, everyone likes to have a crush on a person and fall in love with a person and oh my god, this person is the best person in the world and there's never going to be anyone like them and I need to marry this person and this has to happen. That is not love. That is not care. That is not a relationship. That is your nervous system getting triggered. You're in fight or flight. You're not in love with a stranger that you don't even know what their favorite color is. Sorry to call
12:24 you out like that, but honestly, you need to be [ __ ] called out. You can't fall in love with a person unless you know them. Unless you have the want to be in a relationship, communication, and a similar vision for the future, you can't say that that person is everything for you unless you have those three things. They're just a stranger technically or a friend technically. And we like to think, "Oh my god, there's only that person and there's no one else in the world." That's also a narrow like narrow drive and a narrow mindset that constantly will trigger your nervous system as well. That will constantly keep you in stress if you keep telling yourself that's the only person for me. If I don't fall in love with that
13:10 person, you know, that is bad for you. That's a bad thought. It's like telling yourself, "I'm only allowed to eat strawberries. Strawberries are my favorite food in the world, and I can only eat them for every single meal, breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And this is what I have to do because I love them so much." There's other food in the world. There's other fish in the sea, [ __ ] Like, that's not the only person. You can fall in love with anyone as long as those three things are present. There is nothing that that person has that another person will give you except for like you know consistency love nonrejection like acceptance healthy love and so a good note for you and also
13:57 something I have to remind myself whenever you get into a relationship and you've had trauma in the past or you know that you are prone to this kind of like lirance mindset that this narrow-minded mindset of like having a crush on a person, being so in love with them even though you don't know them and thinking they're the end all to be all. That is a trauma response, people. That's not good for you. You have to remind yourself that you're not looking for someone who makes you feel intensity. You're looking for someone who makes you feel calm. Calmness is love. Intensity is not. It's not like the movies, people. You want to find someone that makes you feel calm, that turns off your fight or flight, that makes you feel comfortable. That is the best way to find a relationship. That is the best
14:42 way to find a partner. That is the best way to find the right person for you. You don't want to feel the person that makes you feel butterflies 24/7 and anxiety 24/7 and like excitement 24/7. Feeling intense positive emotions 24/7 is the same as feeling intense negative emotions 24/7. There is like so much going on within your nervous system 24/7. If you're feeling like constant butterflies, constant anxiety, constant excitement, constant like, "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, bad for you. Bad for you people. Not good for you. Not love obsession, triggered trauma response. Not good. Not good." Anyway, that's all I have to say. And of course, I'll talk about like unrescrocated love at some point. And I'll talk about limrance at some point
15:27 because I'm someone who's very prone to this kind of mindset because of how I grew up and because of how my brain works and I feel that a few of you are and I feel that if you're watching this video, you'll definitely need a video on lirance and you'll definitely need a video on unrescrocated love. So that's all I have for today. You shouldn't feel intense attraction. You should feel calm, people. You should feel comfortable. You should feel steady. That's all I got to say. Have a good day, folks. Love you.
