The Becominging An Emotionally Intelligent Parent Course - Module 1

0:04 passionately driven by the belief that influencing parents is the most effective way to shape the next generation across the continent. She knows she has a mandate to parents called for such a time as this to reform homes, rebuild systems, and raise a generation that will shift nations. As the visionary founder of the intentional parents academy, Wendy is committed to equipping parents and intending parents to intentionally raise children who can navigate the complexities of today's rapidly changing world. The intentional parent academy exists to empower parents with holistic, practical and proven tool

0:53 to nurture exceptional children mentally physically spiritually emotionally, and psychologically. Wendy teaches that parenting is not just a duty. It is the foundation for building a better world. Wendy rejects the idea of parenting has scattered tips and hacks. She champions a transformative intentional journey. An 18-year and beyond mandate where parents serve as steady growthminded guides in your children's life. At the heart of the academy is the inner circle program. A yearong mentorship grounded in the intentional most popular built on the

1:39 visionary framework of raising kings becoming the one who makes kings sitting at the table of kings. This magical program has transformed the lives of over 10,000 families globally. Wendy Olo is a bestselling author of over 30 transformative parenting books and over 50 practical parenting guides. Her renowned works include connect to correct raising the girl with sense raising the boy. You don't need to be raising an independent child. The parents have sex. Educate your child like a pro series. Raising with social

2:27 genius and discipline is not a magic. Her books have sold over 500,000 worldide. Her most recent book released on her 40th birthday 2005 has been widely acclaimed for anyone pursuing legacy. >> Tig Academy is home to a vibrant online community of over 500,000 members across platforms. Its flagship Facebook community, Intentional Parents with nearly 200,000 members, was recognized twice by Facebook as one of the most relevant and engaging parenting communities globally.

3:14 Wendy has graced prestigious stages including keynote speaker at the intentional parenting summit hosted by tip academy across nations featured guest on CBN Africa's 700 club participants on the Facebook global parenting panel California USA recognized by Facebook as a global community builder Wendy made history as the first African and Nigerian appointed to the board of the intentional day of calm. She was also the convenor of the intentional parents annual conference tipac the global attended virtual summit. The

4:00 tip in person summit co-hosted with inner circle parents in Canada, the USA, the UK and Nigeria. Named among the top 20 coaches in the world by Divine Purpose magazine USA 2021, featured on international networks including Fox, NBC, ABC, and CBS. Awarded Nigeria's most impactful voice in parenting 2025. Featured on the cover of Alo Bang. Beyond parenting, Wendy leads the masterpiece mentorship program for women. Here she learns prophetic insight, deep perspective, problem

4:46 solving acumen, solid Bible principle, show the powerful no excuse growth formula. Through the system, she has over 500 women who are now powerhouses in their fields and calling. She also mentors aspiring parenting coaches, men and women called the parenting mandate of the hour and through this she has raised nations within nations. Wendy starts as the executive director of Smart Office, a corporate enterprise focused on organizational training and capacity building, modern service workspaces, premium student

5:31 accommodation facilities. Wendy Olig remains a reformer in parenting education, a global thoughts leader, a voice of wisdom and clarity, a builder of intentional families, a strategist to future ready generations. Wendy brings her value home with grace. She is married to who a respected marriage counselor at the marriage seal academy whom we call the governor and a god by their 16 plus years of joyful enviable marriage is blessed with the most remarkable set of twins whom she consistently describes as

6:18 a testament of intentional parenting drawing from a rich professional industry. Wendy has over 10 years of experience working with international NOS's including a decade long tenure with the USA alongside valuable experience in the banking sector. Her life is a blend of influence, impact, leadership and intentional motherhood. Intentional parents across the globe make welcome the inabi of parenting. Mama captur drop the VC of the intentional parent academy Wendy Oli and yes we are live. Thank you so much

7:06 for joining me today is becoming an emotionally intelligent parent course module one team. Can I have my module my slide? Thank you so much for joining us. It is the second course that we are hosting in 2026. This is the core of the courses and in this course I usually take the five days myself and trust me the EI course has changed a lot of lives and this is one of those courses that you will take that you will love that you have taken and it's going to make a whole lot of difference in your parenting journey. We're going to deep dive right into it and of course the team is also going to share the worksheet with you immediately

7:53 as this class is going on. All right. So that you can also sit okay you can also sit with the worksheet after this session. You are required to sit with it go through what it is that we've learned today and practice it. We love practicality. One of the things that we do or we pride ourselves for is the practicality of the things that we do right where we don't teach theory. I have a problem with just come. No, no, no, no. You go home with something today. So the team is going to share with you the details on how you can get that worksheet. All right? You just need to just it will come straight to your email. All right? So they'll just tuckle it through your

8:40 email and so that you don't start looking for it. So they're going to just send you a link once you click on it, put in your email so that the thing will come straight into your email and you don't have to worry. So that you don't keep asking the team, so where's the workbook? Where is the workbook? Whether you are here or not, you just see it in your email and you don't need to scroll through a lot of the chats. Now good morning. Yasers are here. There are a lot of yadas in the house and there are a lot of people who are not yads in the house. Yas are parents in our oneyear accountability system. All right. And yes, they are here. Shout out to you guys. But we're going to go right there. Now, the model today is why your child's behavior is talking and you have been

9:26 answering the wrong questions. why your child behavior is talking and you have been answering the wrong questions. >> We're going to be talking about behavior and communication. And I realize that many times most people respond to noise, not meaning. Now, now let me tell you the truth that many of us were never taught your child is not misbehaving. So when a child does something about their behavior, the first thing we say is oh this child is misbehaving, the child is not misbehaving. The child is communicating. So your wordings will need to even change to start with. If you see the things that your child does as misbehavior, you will not be able to

10:12 sit and actually take it in, review it, refine it to help your child to do better. So the first thing you submit is this CHILD IS STUBBORN, CHILD IS MISBEHAVING, THIS CHILD and that is it. But if you see it as communication, it changes everything. So the first thing I want you to do today is begin to see everything your child does as communication. It's it's it's already getting hot in here. We're going to be slow. But hey, when you hear that thing that hits you, put the fire emojis in the comment section. Yeah, you know how we do it. All right. And call your neighbors to come and register. This is going to be a lifechanging moment for you. Now, if you didn't attend our

10:58 communication made easy class, this is a point to go and actually sit with that class. I'm not teaching communication today. Our classes actually progress one after the other. Now, many of us were raised to correct behavior instead of understand. So we are always answering the wrong questions. Your child slams the door. Your child shouts about respect. You you your child refuses to do homework. You lecture about responsibility. Your child throws a tantrum. You the child that throws a tantrum. You punish the child that throws a tantrum. Sometimes I'm wondering how do we do these things? Now, now let me tell you the risk, the risk about punishing a child for

11:44 throwing a tantrum because I see that happen all the time. Now, tantrums are not it's not a a a just only a behavioral problem. Tantrum is a regulation problem. So, when regulation is not taught in childhood, the body simply grows up, but the emotional pattern stays the same. Many of us still throw tantrums today. Let me break it down now. A tantrum happens when a child's emotional brain overwhelms their thinking brain neurologically the emotional center which is the amydala and activates before the reasoning part which is the PREFRONTAL CORTEX. NOW CHILDREN DON'T YET HAVE the wiring to calm themselves down the way adults we

12:30 do. So tantrums happen. A child is overwhelmed, too tired, too hungry, too stimulated, too many instructions. So the body just says this is too much. Then the child reacts. Remember the child does not have language. So the reason the child is reacting is that they don't really know what to say. Now tantrums happen in toddler years. That's when it's highly explosive. But I've realized that even our teenagers throw tantrums because they were not taught what to say. So language becomes a differentiating factor. So now a child unmet need, a child wants attention, a child wants connection, a child wants autonomy, a child wants to feel heard. When a child cannot express that need

13:17 clearly, the body expresses it loudly. So what does a body do? a reactivity just to tell you that hey I'm here and something needs to happen all right now emotional vocabulary so if the child cannot say remember that this child cannot I'm frustrated I need this now if you're an autistic parent you have a child who is autistic now you understand what I'm talking about when you have a child who is actually you know struggling with autism you see that tantrums are like the heights because they lack language when You lack language and you keep screaming. So adults throw tantrums in that way. When you don't know what to say, the next thing that follows is the tantrum. Have you ever been in a

14:04 community or in a place? So I'm Eu and I'm married to your So most people say, "How do you cope when they speak language you don't understand?" I'm like, "Okay." You know, so so one of the things that happens is that when you get into a space where people speak a language that you do not understand, you get frustrated. Am I correct? So you get frustrated. So it's either you think they're talking about you. I don't I don't know. You got to place just talking in their language. You don't feel somehow. When you cannot understand language, frustration goes in immediately. So most people actually just get frustrated. You just say sometimes you say to speak what I can hear.

14:50 So tantrum is as a result of loss of language. Is it making sense? Tantrum is as a result of l loss of language. So children throw tantrum to see if I lose this language and I'm going to just put myself there. Are you strong enough to hold me safe when I lose control? Are often a search for containment, not chaos. So your child is actually looking for containment. So contain me. So when a child is on the floor shaking, the child is saying, "Can you contain me? Can you keep me safe?" But what happens? Boom. We escalate. So of course

15:36 the child records it and says this person cannot keep me safe. So I I just have to continue to find my way. Children who throw tantrums very often are children. It's not because the child is a toddler. Oh toddlers must throw tantrum. It's not true. I had a a set of twins who are 16. They were also toddlers. I didn't have tantrums that are Why? Because I understood that language is the game. Now why is it that some adults are still throwing tantrum because nobody told them what to do after a meltdown. So many children are told stop crying, go to your room, keep quiet, DON'T BE DRAMATIC. BUT THEY WERE NEVER taught how to calm their body. They were never

16:21 taught how to name their emotions. They were never taught how to repair after conflict. They were never taught how to process disappointment. That's why many of you in conflict, you either shut down or you explode. two extremes that are destructive. So now this is what happens. Now the behavior may change but the deregulation doesn't. So childhood trum when you become an adult becomes silent treatment in your marriage. It becomes explosive anger with your children. When your children say the children they are the ones that are triggering me. No, you were a child who were was were not taught how to manage their emotion. Now you become emotionally withdrawn,

17:09 you begin to blame and become defensive. Watch it. If your parents in our generation blaming because that's what if there's a word like that, that's what we learned. So a parent pours water somewhere on the floor. He said you are the one I was talking to you. That's why so our parents never took responsibility. So everything was about blame. So we learned to blame. We learned to defend. Somebody says this thing you did is wrong. The first thing you do is to defend. Defensiveness. You shut down when you're stressed. You just shut down. I've seen this every time that you know we work in the in the inner circle. Parents coming newly in December. I see this and then they shut down. It is because

17:54 as a child you were not what to do without drums. That's what the problem is. Now the body grows up. The emotional skill never did grow up. Now that's the missing missing step. What should be taught after tantrum. The real growth happens after the storm, not in the storm. So a child is throwing a tantrum. What do you do afterwards? You slap the child. You beat the child. And when they finish crying, they continue. Then when you become an adult, you become that person who is blaming, who is shutting down, who is overwhelmed. I've said it, overwhelmed is a lack of emotional regulation. So if you're constantly overwhelmed about spaces, about things that you're supposed to be doing, it is a mark of lack of self-regulation.

18:41 It's as simple as that. Now, what you need to do, here is a simple step you need to take. Whether you have a 13 year old throwing a tantrum or you have a 2-year-old throwing a tantrum, simple step. A healthy tantrum circle should look like this. Number one, emotional explosion. Boom. The child is screaming. He's on the floor da and all of that. Yes, that's where it is. Number two, co-regulation. Come with support. One of the mistakes we make is that we think that calm should come without support. Today one of the the thing we do we the tool of the day in the inner circle is calm you know tools you need these tools you know when we teach emotional

19:26 intelligence we think is about oh let my child just stop misbehaving let me stop you know yelling no it's it's actually first about you because one of the first thing you want to do is to deal with that thing that wasn't given to you that's the most important part number two is co-regulation co-regulation means All right. Co-regulation means co-regulation means that so so a child is crying about something. You don't tell the child get out and go and cry somewhere. No, co-regulation will mean that it's okay for you to cry. When you're done crying, let's have a conversation because the cry will not solve a

20:11 problem. Sit with the child. So, you know, one of the things that we do And and that's one you know very um um um one big mistake in parenting that I have seen. All right. So one of the things we do is to give a child time out. So a child is dealing with so much overwhelm and then you tell the CHILD TIME OUT GO OUT GO TO THE NAUGHTY CORNER and go and sit there. Now this is a missing point. Co-regulation come without support. So you go and SAY JUST GO AND CALM down and just come back. That's calm without support. Right now a child is already dealing with big emotion that they don't understand. Anger, frustration,

20:59 embarrassment, fear, disappointment and their nervous system is all flooded. Then we say go to the naughty corner. Time out. Go and sit down. But the child cannot regulate themselves. when they've never been regulated with. So you need to regulate with the child for them to regulate themselves. Now time out is asking the child to do something their brain is not yet developed enough to do. They don't get it. It doesn't make sense. So So you know when you give children time out without teaching them regulation, they grow up to become adults who struggle with a lot. And that's one of the things that happened to us. A lot of us struggle with a lot of fear. It might not be fear

21:47 that you want to, you know, really talk about, but you look deep down. You are afraid. You're afraid of running a business. You're afraid of testing new things. You're afraid of so many things. So when a child is giving time without being taught regulation, something misses. They're overwhelmed. They're crying. They're shouting. But in that moment, the child doesn't understand. They don't have the skills. So the skills are l lacking. So they sit there angry, confused, overwhelmed. No one help them to understand. So over time this child may learn three unhealthy patterns. Number one, emotional suppression. They learn that emotions are bad. So instead of expressing them, they bury them. So as adults, this shows up as emotional numbness. Some of you are numb.

22:33 You're emotionally numb completely. And and what does this what does this even do? You avoid anything that is going to give you so you avoid anything. You don't want to be disappointed. You don't want to you know difficulty in expressing your feelings. You're kind of see. So so that's why we get angry when our children cry. So you say things like why why is he crying? That's why cry irritates you. Am I am I talking to somebody? Hey God. That's why cry irritates you because think about it in the rational mind. Why should somebody cry irritate you on a normal day is because you were taught or you sat with your anger and never thought

23:19 how to deal with it. So you learn suppression. You learn suppression. All right? So you suppress. So instead of that you know your mom anything they doing. Do you know that we were raised with people who were pretty cold? Ah, most of the people that raised us were cold. Cold in a way that I cannot imagine. You know why? They were also raised and given this thing that I'm talking about. That's why a parent can put pepper in a in a child's vagina and they are okay. How do you sleep like that? And you know the bad thing some of us are also in that space.

27:08 Hello everyone. My name is Betel Ome. I call myself a bonafide member of the intentional parent academy. >> I've been in the yard for 3 years now and it's been one of the best thing that has happened to my life. The other best thing that has happened to me is attending the emotional intelligence course. I attended last year. Another one is coming up very soon. March 2nd to 6th, 2026. You don't want to miss it. Please get on board. Register now. I'll tell you something. Through the course that I attended last year, my life

27:54 >> All righty. We apologize. I don't even know how we got thrown out in that manner, but hey, we're here. Please stay with me. All right. Now, we're talking about emotional suppression. And I was saying that, you know, you you you learn that these emotions are bad. So, instead of expressing them, you bury them. So, you now become an adult that shows up emotional numbness. I was talking about that parents, how some of the things that they did. So a child does something you you knock the child you know with the you pro the child until you injure the child until you see blood you don't rest there's something wrong somewhere all right so the coldness all right the numbness you know some of us come out and say but we turned out okay are we really okay

28:39 we're so numb and so cold on so many things let's go let's go on and then there's emotional explosion for those of us who are not numb but emotions we're now exploding Because you were never taught to regulation. Your emotions build up until those emotions explode and then so anger out shouting reactive behavior. Nobody taught you what to do. So that tantrum that you were throwing as a child, you're still throwing that tantrum as a child. That's what's happening. That's what's happening. And then the third one is now emotional withdrawal. Remember I said when no one helps you to understand you know your emotions three things will happen emotional separation emotional explosion and emotional withdrawal. So you learn

29:26 to shut down. You shut down. You shut down completely. You disconnect. You avoid you know you you just withdraw. You just withdraw. You you struggle with intimacy. That that's why a child can do something to you. You wake up in the morning the child will greet you good morning. You pass another way without responding to the child. Like is it normal? It's not normal your own child. You see that's the point I'm trying to make. So regulation is a skill that must be taught. You don't demand it because children learn emotional regulation through co-regulation. So remember that the number two missing step in handling this tantrum is co-regulation. Without co-regulation, a calm adult is what

30:13 helps the child to navigate big feelings. So instead of saying GO THERE AND SIT down and calm down, an intentional parent will say I see you're upset then slow down take a deep breath for your seat for a while. This is how children slowly develop internal tools to manage their emotions. Most of us have anger issues because nobody taught us to manage them. So the problem is not anger. Anger is an emotion and is a valid emotion. The problem is the emotions we have that we've not been able to deal with. Is somebody following me? Now tantrums are not the problem. The problem is was this child ever thought to come back from one?

30:59 Emotional intelligence is not about never losing control. So we think that you know I have emotional intelligence. I can never lose control. No, no, I lose control. Now emotional intelligence doesn't mean you don't lose control. It's about knowing how to return to control. It's it's it's anybody can get it. Knowing how to return to control who is asking me again, how do you regulate with the child? I already said it now. I already in fact I gave a script. You're not in this class, man. I gave a script for that. All right. Now, how do you how do you co-regulate? Let me repeat in case you didn't see it. I say say to the child, I see that you're upset. Let's slow down. Take a deep breath. Do you want to cry? It's okay. It's okay for you to cry. When you're done crying,

31:46 tell me what happened. So, it's very important. Anyways, let's quickly run. All right. So, so emotional intelligence is not about not losing it. It's about knowing how to return to control. Do you know how to return to control? Some of you don't. You lose it to the point that you beat a child. You see, if you ever have to beat a child, there's something not okay. And I and I tell you the truth, right? You need to lift your hand to hit a human being. There's something that is in you that you need to do it. And and it's because of where we are all coming from, right? I've just slapped the child. No, it's not normal for you to feel that way. And it's not true that

32:32 you can hit a child without anger. There's an there's a level of anger required in you for your hand to move to hit another. Yes, there is. And if you don't get to that level of anger, you're not going to hit anybody. So, I just I just need you to get to that point where you understand hitting someone is not normal. So, don't normalize it. Just tell yourself, okay, there's something not okay and I need to deal with it. Are you are you understanding my point? Are you are you getting me? All right. Are you getting me? So that we just don't, you know, come and say, "Eh, that's how our parents did it and it's okay and all of that and all the things

33:19 that we say." No, it's not okay. Let's let's not okay it, okay? Let's not okay it. And for you to get to that point, for you to get so when you lift your hand to hit a child, something deeper is happening inside of him. Let me tell you, because there's an internal anger, there's a frustration, there's an unresolved emotion for a human being to strike another human being, especially that's if you're not in danger, right? A child doesn't put you in danger. So when you get to that point where you need to strike there's a level of you know emotion that you need to get to. Now a child is smaller a child is dependent and a child is still learning how to be human. Also you know people

34:07 say oh it's normal I just laugh my child is discipline. But if we are being honest, if we are being honest, eating rarely comes from calmness. It comes from overwhelm, anger, irritation, loss of control. A regulated adult does not naturally move towards violence. Violence is a sign that your own emotional system is overwhelmed. That's it. So this is where patterns come in. We were raised in environment where anger was normalized. We were raised in environment where he was normalized. Emotions were not experienced. So we are now parenting from what we experience not from what we

34:54 are consciously healing. Now if my response to my child's behavior is violent, then there's something in me that needs attention. I I want you to settle with it. If your response to your child's behavior is violent, then there's something in me that needs attention. Because a child's behavior may trigger you, but it does not create what is already inside you. Are you getting it? It doesn't create what is already inside you. Something is already that's why emotional intelligence is so powerful in parenting. That's why you now need to learn. You know, you know, there there are two things I tell parents in the inner circle. two courses I say is compulsory healing from childhood what and becoming an emotional intelligent

35:40 cause these two areas they are deep dive into your being that's the truth so you gain something more powerful when you are in control influence connection guidance emotional safety children who are raised in environment like that do not just obey because they afraid they cooperate because they feel understood, secured and guided. All right, this is very important. But so, so there there is there's a there's a neuros there's a science behind getting frustrated and unleashing it on your child. So it's it's very key for you to

36:28 understand this part. Let's talk about how the brain explains behavior. the neuroscience part of it. Now, but when a child is screaming, refusing instructions, throwing a tantrum, it doesn't only affect the child's brain, it triggers the parents brain. That's the science. Because inside the brain, there is a part called the amigdala. Now, the amigdala is responsible for dictating threats. is responsible for activating strong emotions like anger, fear frustration. So when your child behavior feels overwhelming disrespectful chaotic, your own amygdala, right, will go into what we call the amigdala

37:14 hijack. So an amigdala hijack means that the emotional part of the brain takes control before the thinking part of the brain can respond. So the thinking and the reasoning part which is the prefrontal cortex that's the part responsible for patience for judgment for empathy for self-control. But when the amydala hijack happens what happens is that your heart rate increases your stress hormones increases your body prepares for fight or for reaction your logical brain reduces. So in that moment you're no longer responding. You are now reacting from stress and survival mode. That's that's that's what you're now doing. That's why your shout that's why

38:01 you threaten. That's why in split seconds you have hit the child. Many times when you raise your hand and slap your child there's a level of regret that comes with it. Yeah. It comes from unresolved trauma. It comes from somebody said so are you saying you've never slapped your child before? never something I had to deal with before I started to parent. I knew it was a problem. I've never slapped my child with my why do I need to raise my hand or raising cows. Yeah, it is something that it it's it's a norm. It's not about judging you or not. He's a norm. But it's something you need to first of all tell yourself that okay this is not the right route. What do I now do? Is acceptance first. That's the first place. People say ah you know uncle can I've never owned a cane I

38:46 don't need a cane because I understand how the brain works. So children do not yet fully have that prefrontal cortex developed. So when a child melts down two overwhelmed brain collide the immature brain of the child and the triggered brain of the parent. Are you getting it? So the problem is not only the child's brain. The problem is also your own brain that is deregulated. Both brains are disregulated and then conflict escalates. That's why as an emotional intelligent parent you focus first on parent regulation. Cuz when you breed, you come the nervous system that's what happens. The prefrontal cortex comes back online and then the cal brain come

39:31 the brain in the room is what leads the nervous system you know of everyone else. So the real power in parenting is not control, it's self-regulation. It's self regulation. When you master this discipline stops being about reactivity and becomes intentional guidance, you know, I'm sure you want to ask questions and say what when the child does this, do we just leave the child? No, you don't just leave the child. you you know when when you I've realized that when you authority doesn't come from you trying to jump up and you know do different things and all of that it comes there's a lot of you know there's a lot that you can do when you are calmer now because the child's emotional brain develops before the thinking brain

40:19 right it means that the child will feel first then act second so the child doesn't have that capacity to think in the way you think and you know where the real problem is most of us don't have the capacity to think even us because we were not taught emotional regulation so this child can't access logic this child cannot process lectures this child cannot you know this child cannot also comply consistently the problem is that you can't see it because you are also deregulated. Then of course you begin to react.

41:05 Now I've seen many people who battle with their teenagers and and and it's a real thing. I'm a parent of you know two teenagers and a lot of people meet me and say how you coping. I'm not coping. I'm enjoying parenting. So if you're a parent of a toddler you're listening to this class this is a win. If you're a parent of a a teenager, you have a lot of work to do because what happens when you so what happens is that most of the teenagers we have were beating when they were children for throwing a tantrum. Now when a child is beating for emotional overwhelm they learn not they are not learning to control themselves. They learn emotions are dangerous. My feelings are self when I'm vulnerable I get hurt. So the behavior must stop may stop in the moment but the emotion goes

41:52 underground the buried emotion do not disappear they wait. Now when the child now becomes a teenager. Teenagers are biologically wired for independence. So hormones increase intensity identity formation begins. Now add this to the mix. A child who never learned how to regulate their emotions and how to or only how to suppress it then you see two extremes. That's why two of the set of teenagers I get to meet in the counseling sessions with their parents are two kind of teenagers. The explosive teenager or the emotionally distant teenager explosive teenager. All the years of suppressed frustration surface anger

42:37 becomes bigger. People say oh teenagers are always angry. No, no. Is the seed that you sowed in the in the young age that is coming to germinate. That's what has happened. Teenagers are not angry people. I have the most exciting teenagers ever. Honestly, in fact, over the week, over this week, our children were home cuz they are in boarding school. And in fact, they followed us everywhere that we were going. We're like, are you tied to our You rarely see teenagers who want to spend time with their parents. rarely very very rarely very very rarely exciting happy want to you know it's there are seeds that have been sewn your teenager becomes argumentative you say I know they are

43:22 teenagers they argue a lot because you have raised a child who can't take instructions ah do you know that not being able to manage your emotions will actually end up raising a child who cannot take instructions because you're constantly living in that place of trying to force. So eventually your child rebels against every form of instruction. So children don't listen to their parents at that teenage age is a problem. It's a problem. They begin to explode every time they angry because you're trying to force compliance. You're trying to threaten. YOU'RE PUNISHING. GO LISTEN. THE CHILD IS NOT LEARNING HOW TO follow instruction. They learning how to

44:08 resist control. So every time you try to force them, their nervous system interprets it as a threat. So stress rises. The child's brain goes into survival. They want to fight. They want to fight. They want to freeze. So they don't listen. They react. They lose internal motivation. Children naturally want to cooperate when they feel seen, heard, and understood. But when they constantly control, they start to do the opposite. So your teenagers resist, they argue, they hide behavior. IT'S NOT THEIR PROBLEM. It is your problem. These are the things that you know you actually sow. So you think that when you threaten and threaten, YOU'RE GOING TO RAISE CHILDREN WHO will listen TO YOU EVENTUALLY. NO, IT'S NOT TRUE. Your children will resist instructions. One of the worst things that can happen to you is you raise children who won't take your instructions at the later years.

44:54 Trust me, it can be a disaster. You know pattern of rebellion will now grow. The more you push the more they pull back. That's why many of your children don't listen to instructions. They don't listen to you because you have pushed back. You have you know so so over time it becomes habitual. They reject instructions on a default not because they are naughty but because the brain has learned that obeying equals stress and discomfort. So there is also a missed emotional learning. You force behavior without guiding emotion. Children learn how to you know they don't know how to self-regulate. They don't know how to take responsibility. They don't know how to make decisions. They only learn how to survive your authority. Look at us now. Some of us got married on the

45:42 premise of somebody telling us that you need to enter house so that they can take care of you. Does that even make sense? We didn't learn how to take decisions. it and it's we're teaching it to our children. So there has to be a guided operation through connection how you need to validate the feelings first. Use time response. We're going to I'm going to teach you the the the the model that we created. Children start listening from understanding not fear. So when you use fear you're going to end up with an adult who is rebelling WHO I'VE BEEN TELLING THEM YOU KNOW I WAS A VERY DISCIPLINED PARENT. What happened to you was that those children are now resisting you because repression will always turn to

46:28 rebellion. When they were small, they couldn't fight back. Now they can. They are now like a bigger human being. I don't know about you, my son and my daughter, they both bigger than I am. So imagine that. So they're like, "Okay, at least I'm a little bigger now. So that means I can actually, you know, fight a little." So your children don't listen because of lack of emotional intelligence that was created from the ground. So all that yelling that you're yelling now and thinking I'm raising them and this I SHOULD NOT BEAT I BEAT THEM I'LL SLAP THEM I'LL YELL WHEN THEY get into teenage age instructions becomes something they struggle with. I know I I teach in the inner circle and I say to

47:14 inner circle parents if your child can't take instructions they can't hear God is a dangerous place for your child to be they can't hear God because God does not share opinions he shares instructions and many times you have become an adult who fights every in you hate organized settings you hate it when I see it all the time you get into a space like the you're fighting organizing like I don't want them to put in school again you know we went for a retreat the the masterpiece retreat and then you know when they were trying to prepare one one one of them said ah it was our first time coming for a retreat I don't want nobody else style nobody should come and restrict me that's what we think because that's what we were given but nobody grows without a

48:02 system put together that actually gives you discipline you can't grow in chaos it's impossible have you ever seen a seed put in the ground and scattered and the seed grows is totally impossible. You only grow in an organized system. Why is it that you don't plant 20 seeds of corn in the soil at a time? They don't germinate. They die. That's a specific number. There is order. There is system. That's why most of you struggle with progress and prosperity because you can't prosper without other you can't prosper without other. Now you can see where all of this is coming to. You can see the nar academy is here. Do

48:48 you know that even to make money right shout out to you or academy even to make money do you know that without you dealing with your emotional int with your emotions you will be you will be a god you will struggle in business you will struggle you will struggle in business you know the reason is if you can't take instructions then you can't move forward you know the Bible says I'm the one that gives you power to create wealth. It means that there is a level of you being able to align with me as a god to get you to that point. So you see children need to children need to actually understand the place of order. Now we have more chaos that we can

49:34 understand. Now the other type of teenager that you raise the emotionally distant teenager the emotionally distant teenager the emotionally distant teenager they don't talk is here they deal with a lot of boys teenagers they don't talk they don't share they hide their struggles they shut down why because vulnerability once led to pain that's why so when THEY PROTECT THEMSELVES YOU'RE COMPLAINING MY SON HAS NOT COME DOWNSTAIRS. HE DOESN'T COME FOR FAMILY TIME. HE DOESN'T TALK TO ME. HE DOESN'T WANT TO SPEND TIME. Ma sa it is because emotional regulation was lacking. So that child has learned how

50:21 to protect themselves. So most teenagers that I see are emotionally distant. So either they explosive or they emotionally distant. The ones that have been subdued will be emotionally distant. They shut down. They shut down at you. So they just go to one side. All right. And just sit down and you know this kind let me not let me not just do anything. Let them be doing and you know parents are always shocked. He shocks me when you are shocked. And I'm asking and I'm asking myself why are you shocked? You're always shocked. I said but I CORRECTED THEM WHEN THEY WERE YOUNG. YES, you corrected the behavior but emotional skills were not developed.

51:06 So beating stopped the expression but it does not build regulation. Regulation is learned safe conversations repair of without it a child will grow physically but emotionally remains overwhelmed inside emotionally rem overwhelmed inside. Most of us were emotionally distant teenagers or angry teenagers. I saw that most of were either emotionally distant or angry. So people ask me why is it that your children want to travel? My children still want to travel with us, want to spend all the time with us, want they literally stayed in our room all through this. I'm like, "Ah, these people are tied to a prawn. What's going on?" Now, now mind you, it's all about your teenager telling you everything. You know, some people come to you and say, "My teenagers are very close TO ME.

51:52 THEY TELL ME EVERYTHING. No teenager tells you everything. Wake up." It's just about being able to recollect themselves to be able to hear. It's okay for your child not to tell you everything. Say it's fallacy that child will have to tell you everything and that's your own report card of how well you are doing. Wake up. No teenager, no child and not because they are bad. Just because some of them are not even your business. Make peace. You're raising a human being. You're not not a baby. Not babying a baby. You are you are raising an adult and it's okay. It's okay. All right. So now what happens is that when tantrum now meets violence

52:38 of course you know what happens. So children beating right children beating for emotional overflow does not become emotionally strong. They become emotionally armored. I will explain. And armored teenagers are hard to parent because they are protecting themselves. So amore teenagers are you know they they trying to protect themselves. They either being emotionally distant or they are being explosive. So I beg let me just this thing is about me. All right. So that's that's a very you know core part. Now let let's quickly let's quickly quickly quickly quickly run. All right. Our time is running so much. Now

53:26 why is it that correcting behavior alone creates what I call a repeat circle? When behavior is corrected without decoding emotion, three things happen. The child may comply temporarily out of fear or pressure. The emotion need remains unmet. The behavior returns after stronger or more defiant, you know, things happen. It's not rebellion. Is a nervous system saying they didn't hear me. They don't even understand what's going on. So therefore I will just ignore these people and just go ahead and then what is happening will happen like my people will say and if you are not e at this time why now all righty yes I am that ebo girl

54:12 proud through and through. Okay. So now this is why behavior alone creates managing behavior alone creates uh um you know that circle. So we have gotten to a point where we just you know it's all about managing behavior. Let me manage the behavior. Let me correct the behavior. We are so fixated on correcting behavior that we are not actually giving our children what to work with. So we are correcting behavior without decoding emotions without decoding. So the emotions need to be decoded for that behavior to appropriately be corrected. That's why you see a lot of children behavior the parents are trying. Have you have you ever seen it before? They did everything but the child still did not do well.

54:57 It's not the parents fault. Whatever we be, we be. It's God that parents children error. It is a lie. God does not parent children. Go and read through the scriptures. I needed to say that God does not raise no child for you. You raise the child yourself. All right? We're obsessed with managing behavior. We're obsessed with obedience. But we're not looking at what is behind it. When a child is throwing a tantrum, when a child is screaming, when a child disobys, we go straight into stop it. Sit down. Time out. Don't do it. And you think that the problem is the behavior itself. The problem is what is triggering that behavior. Behavior is not just surface. The real story is under net the driving the emotion

55:45 driving that behavior. Do you know that your money management skills is actually driven? It's emotionally driven. It's about emotional intelligence. Your making money skills is about emotional intelligence. Oh yes. The problem is not you know have you ever studied why some people can make more money than the others? It's not because they are special. It's because there's something they know that they you know. So so it's not even just skill. is emotional management. I was listening to coach Konaka teach it at the money click about money and emotions but we don't know how much emotions play in our life totally so we ignore it

56:30 emotional intelligence like emotional intelligence let me go look for how to make money but I submit to you true true if you do not understand emotional intelligence making money becomes a it's just a fluke You can't repeat it. You can't repeat it. This is very important. All right. Now, if you correct the behavior without addressing the emotion, the behavior may temporarily stop, but the feeling stays unresolved. The child learns that feelings are bad, you know, or dangerous. So, they hide. Now, let's look at the practice. I want you, the first thing you want to do is observe. How do you decode emotions? That's the bridge between what it is that you need to do. The first thing you want to do is

57:16 observe the behavior. Don't react. But many times we are so because we have not dealt with ourselves. We want to react. I give you a very typical example. So one of those days I heard you know my children and the friends right they were talking about boarding school and they were talking about one of them is in senior was in senior class. My children were junior class at a time talking about a particular girl that comes to twerk at night school at night class. You know as a parent when you hear that kind of thing you're going to come out ah bring out your Bible can pray. HEY KABASH YOU PEOPLE CANNOT cannot I was there. The reason they can tell that kind of story where I am is because they know that, you know, it's not so so they're not afraid to be able

58:03 to express some of these conversations. So I sat there, I I didn't jump into correcting. It's not everything you correct. This discipline is not an emergency. This discipline is not an emergency. No, it's not. I have a book that is called discipline is not an emergency. One book that everybody must get and read. Sit with it. We read it in the inner circle last month. If you're not in the inner circle, better book for I tell you for free. There are too many things too many things that you need to learn. All right. So by the time I listen to them, I just took my notes. I said, "Okay, girl working. What you're

58:48 watching?" Okay, if I started preaching at that time, nobody will listen to me. In fact, the next time that story will be told, I shall not hear any girl talking anywhere. I say, "Wow, how do you how do you how do you you know um direct your child if you don't know what they are saying and who they are?" So, the first thing is connect. That's the first thing you need to do is to connect. And that's why in the inner circle connection is at the peak when we were done I took my notes and when we were not talking later we're cooking in the kitchen the boys the girls and I just brought it out and I talked about the ice skates. Now remember it wasn't me

59:36 coming to judge them to say oh why could but it was a conversation and all of them you know threw out their own all of them shared why who the girl is and all of that say yeah I get it it's not you but at the same time what are you watching and you know it made a lot of sense to them but you know what if I jump in I jumped in immediately hey evil fall like my son will say evil something and then I would judge you know it's just like when your daughter comes and says to you and I really like that boy and all of that you just shout so I tell you a humorous story that I tell in a co parent so when my daughter

1:00:21 was in she's in chess too we've we've been able to actually get them to be able to express a whole lot of things and that's why you need to get your children to be know she was in ju and then she had a crush on a particular boy heavy crush Sh. And then she didn't know what to say and who to talk to. And then she went to her brother and say, "Oo, hey, I like this boy." My son didn't know what to say to him. Like my son just turned and said, "Every evil evil." When I heard the story, they didn't tell me what happened, right? I had the story later when they started out. When I hear THE STORY, I SAY THEY CAME TO YOU for you to actually help them to sort and process this emotion. He said na, you know, we laughed about it. Eventually

1:01:07 was able to sit down and say, okay, see how we're going to do it. See how we are, you know, going to process it and all of that. And and it made a lot of sense eventually. And you need to jump IN AND SAY, AT YOUR AGE, HEY, I've never seen I don't look at men. Ah, what you should do now is to focus. Maria Maka, your auntie wrong girl will come. I MARRIED A VIRGIN. Is that the conversation? Auntie, that's not the conversation. So when that voice comes to your head, tell yourself, "Auntie, come all the way down." I also have anti voice in my head, right? Calm all the way down. Something sometimes your children are even talking rudely. You just tell yourself just calm down. It's not the time nor the place. And when you understand that it's not the time nor the place then you will

1:01:54 keep quiet and then you will go and process it. A rude child is not a listening child. So at the moment where your child right is actually BEING RUDE RUNNING MOUTH AND YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY LISTEN TO ME YOU ARE NOT going to achieve anything ma'am sir you won't achieve anything you just pour fire. So that's where the regulation. So when your child is being rude, you're remembering how you were rude to your mother and all the things that you did. Or you remember how your brother became rude and today your brother is no longer making it. He's stupid. He's foolish. Or your sister. That's how THEY RAISED HER. THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO HER. THEY KEPT QUIET. THEY didn't say anything. All of those things running into your head. Your child is not your brother. Neither is your sister. Come all the way down. So when

1:02:41 you remember your child is doing something, come all the way down. This is me. I'm telling you about my story. I had I had my children had begged them to drop them in school one time when they were in grade four. That's a very long time ago. And I said to them, um, I'm going to drop you. I'm going to I left a board meeting. I said, "Okay, let me just go and drop them because they use school bus." And I went I I'm the last to wake up in my house. My children wake up quite early. They wake up, cook their food. They started cooking their own food at early as you know age six, seven. By the time this time they were about eight or nine. And I was like okay they've made food packed everything they were ready of course princess mommy according to them when mommy woke up at her time took her back at her time and then enter the car say well let's go my children were so upset and then I got to

1:03:28 school dropped them school as I started they were they never late my children were the first to resume school every day my children were upset and then my my son mumbled under his breath we should have just used school bus like what sold this kind of thing. I say me me. When I heard it, alarm bells rang in my head like hey God what is it? And immediately I said this child be rude. In my head I just auntie come all the way down. So you must learn to use your subconscious and conscious mind. Your subconscious mind is the one that wants to attack. That's what you learned from your parent. It's going to be rude. Hey if I leave THE CHILD, HEY THIS CHILD, HEY nothing will happen. calm down. I remember when my brother

1:04:14 stole my my mom's fish, everything. My mom never came out and say, "Ah, you thief." Mm- never It never happened. You would call thief, you say, "How you become a criminal?" FYI, he's in the yard. He's not a criminal. Very, you know, bonafide citizen treating so well with his family. So that the child had made a mistake does not mean the child is going to become a criminal now. So use your auntie voice at some point. Just tell yourself calm down. So I calm down. I said, "Well, what did this child say? This child is correct." Yes, this might have sounded rude. Yes, that's what I need to correct, but I'm not going to do it now. Later on, later on when they came back from school, I was like, "Yeah, I know that, you know, you guys were late." But I I think that that move, that talk was like, you know, not

1:05:00 okay. Like, oh, he didn't mean it loud that way. He could understand. So, observe the behavior. Don't react. And when I did it, he was able to understand. But okay, this thing I could have said it a different way. The the the you know there are a lot of yadas that know this story the mangala story. My goodness you guys have listened to me for such a long time. So good. All right. And at the end of the day the child doesn't become so the child lied about something. Don't get so fixated on I hey you're going to go to hell. You even quote naras and sapphire just like that until calm down now. Bible verse will BE FLYING EVERYWHERE. LIARS WILL GO TO HELL. LIARS are how DO PEOPLE SAY LIARS are sisters to the devil and

1:05:48 brother? That's how you say it. Who are all these people? What are you even talking about? This is this is very important that you actually brother. Yes, that question is very interesting. So calm down. All right. Number two, name your emotions. When you name the emotion, you're teaching the child to also name their emotion. I see that you're really frustrated. It's okay. When you're done, come let's have a conversation. In fact, this morning I was sharing with others and I said one of the things that was a slogan that a slogan in our house is that crying ourselves and a problem when you're done crying. It's okay to cry. Why will you cry and I'm irritated? It's okay to cry. A child will make

1:06:35 mistakes and it's okay for a child to make mistakes. Please make peace with it. Stop getting fixated on obey me. Be perfect. Do the way I want it. Do you know that the way you want it might not even be the best way? Are you infallible? You're not infallible. My my daughter cooks better jellof fries than I do. She started cooking jalof fries with her own style of jelloof fries. After I gave her the ingredients, my style, she discovered hers. And to truth be told, I cannot near her when it comes to jellof rice. I remember one time we travel to South Africa and I was forming let me come and be you know take care of family I said no don't worry let me just come and do prepare I prepared rice some everybody kind of abandoned my rice for hers low key so she went and prepared her own my husband

1:07:23 stole her own under I said mom what's going on but that's because she was actually allowed to clear off you start she asked me a question when I told her that this how to cook jello fries she said who who who created this and that. I said my mother taught me. So who taught your mother? So my mother's say she say it's the same thing. Anybody can create anything. God can you allow your children be? Can you allow them think? Most times you're not even allowing them think. You're not letting them think. So everything is fight everything is war. Everything everywhere is so your child says no to you. You are fighting. We'll talk about that in the next class. All right. Now guide the next steps. The next steps,

1:08:11 the next steps, right? You know some things. Yes. She asked me who taught my mother because you know some things SAY I SAY THAT'S HOW WE DO IT. THAT I know that that's how you do it. But do you know the why? She asked me why do you need to put this before this? I said I don't know. And that's why I said he who knows why is better and greater than he who knows how. How is good but why is more powerful is more powerful this is very important very very important all right so guy the next steps tell them so let's figure out when you are in this space how can we talk about I'm not teaching you perfection I'm teach emotional intelligence is the ability to

1:08:57 lose control and then get it back gracefully that's what emotional intelligence gracefully how do I okay this has happened what do I do next what do I do that's why you are able to apologize you able to go back and say okay let me just stick it to bread just you know hold it up so few days ago my children told me that I have kitchen anxiety which I kind of agree it's okay my dad had kitchen anxiety there's anything like that that's what they called it they said my husband has airport anxiety me I have kitchen anxiety oh god and even when the kitchen is clean it has to be in order in a very good way. Have you also thought that that's some level of trauma? You know, it was when they were saying it, I was like, okay, this thing is actually true because I grew up with

1:09:42 a father who felt that kitchens must be spotless. And I just thought of it. I said actually I have kitchen anxiet. I hate do you know when I realized I actually had kitchen anxiety? So they left to school yesterday. Kitchen was clean or they mopped it. I just felt that things were not in order and I cleaned that kitchen till 1:00 a.m. called kitchen anxiety real one trauma. My father will wake you up at 2:00 a.m. to come and clean kitchen. So when you really look at some of these things, it's not really, you know, it's not really about the children. It's about you. And when you recognize it, then you are able to actually, you know, do better. Now let's quickly go to the last part of the conversation today. The

1:10:28 emotion behavior translation framework. How do you learn how to translate emotions? How do you learn it or what do you do? This is a system that we created because I realized that the emotion behavior translation framework can only be be you know can work when um um parents understand what framework they can use. Right? Emotionally intelligent parents don't ask how do I punish this. If you catch yourself saying what what kind of punishment will I do give this child that will pay them. Do you know that when a child make mistake you are more interested in what we pay them how you punish them how you make them pay for it so of how you teach them that what makes you understand that you you

1:11:14 are not in the right sense of mind you are not saying yourself. So you need to now begin to deal with you believe you me it's a thing. So if you're constantly thinking all right if you're constantly thinking that oh how do I how do I you know do this how do I you know make sure that my child you know get punished what you need to calm down and ask yourself do I really want to teach the child or do I want to assert my ego most times is ego eco parenting ego parenting all right this is very important that most of us are actually parenting

1:11:59 via a lot of ego. So it is more about what it is what it is that you want. So when you really think about it some of the things you want are not really correct but anyways you must want it after. So emotionally intelligent parents ask what emotion is driving this and what skill is missing. So every time that my children can't do something, my husband and I will sit down and say what skill is missing. Every behavior answers one of these four emotional needs. I need you to write it down. Every behavior answers one of these four emotional needs. It's on the screen. Number one is safety.

1:12:45 Safety. Am I safe? When it's triggered, the behavior speaks. Number two is connection. Number three is autonomy. Number four is competence. So if your child is misbehaving and you can answer this needs, you'll be able to solve the misbehavior. Do you know that even stealing answers in this? Do you know that it can be as connection problem? Do you know that rude children can be as a result of safety? It can be as a result of safety. So the emotional behavior framework before you act what emotion you know uh u before you react ask yourself what emotion might be underneath this behavior. What need is there to be met?

1:13:30 Is it defiance or is it just distress? Emotionally intelligent parents b long enough to translate before they terminate. Don't just terminate translate. They don't excuse behavior. They decode it first. So don't excuse behavior. Don't say this child is rude because they No, no, no. You decode it and then you work on it. Can you work on it? I want you to say it loud. My child is not stubborn. My child is not difficult. My child is not rude. My child is not irresponsible. My child doesn't have want to give me hard time. They are speaking a language I've not learned. they are speaking a language I've not learned. So what I want you to do is

1:14:19 learn that language and that's what exactly the emotional intelligent course is about. We're not trying to raise just well behaved children. We're trying to raise secure people, self-aware people, resilient human beings to help you become calm, powerful. And then you need to do this. This where the cycle begins to break. So here are the things that you need to do for you to actually use the emotional behavior translation framework. All

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