0:02 Have you ever gotten so mad with someone that you ended up doing something that you really regretted afterwards? I've done that so many times I can't even count them. When we lose our temper, we lose some control of our minds and bodies at that moment. That's just what anger can do to us. It takes over us and makes us say and do things that we would normally never say or do because we're not fully thinking straight when we're mad. Which is why we need to learn to manage anger. That way, we're always in control of what we say and do and there wouldn't be any regrets later on. Hello, my name is Mayi and I'm a mom, medical doctor and entrepreneur who has been learning and practicing
0:48 self-development for almost two decades. So, how do we go about managing our anger? Well, whenever I get mad, I like to practice what I call the A B CDE E steps. These are five steps which help me manage my anger. A stands for awareness. In most situations, whether it's feeling anger sadness anxiety excitement nervousness, happiness, regret, or any other emotion, we're not aware of the actual emotion, but rather we get caught up in that emotion. Imagine there is a large boulder at the top of a hill which is about to roll down. Would you stand to aside watching
1:34 that boulder roll down or would you jump on it and ride it down knowing that you'd crash at the bottom? I'm guessing it's the former. But when we lose our temper, we're actually choosing to ride that anger boulder downhill and crash at the bottom. Instead, what we want to do is stand to a side and watch it just roll down and disappear out of sight. Basically, a person who is aware of their emotion is just a silent observer or bystander. And in doing so, the emotion itself quickly dies out because there's no one to interact with. However, a person who is unaware of the emotion, which is usually the case, becomes immersed and entangled in that
2:22 emotion, which then continues to grow until it either explodes, like in anger, or completely envelopes the person, like in sadness. So, when I'm angry, before I can do anything about it, I first have to be aware of the anger. If not, anger just takes over and it's like I'm on a roller coaster, but not at all a fun one. When I feel myself getting mad, I focus on the anger and make myself aware of it. I think to myself, "Oh, look, I'm starting to lose my temper." This awareness allows me to catch the anger emotion almost dead in its track. In fact, self-awareness has been shown to help reduce the intensity of anger
3:08 and aggression in teens as well as in adults. BE stands for breathing. Once I'm aware that I'm getting angry, the next thing is to do something about it. So, I breathe. I take deep breaths, as many as I need to take to start to calm my body down. In fact, deep breathing has been shown to be effective in managing not only anger and other strong emotions, but also several stress related conditions such as post-traumatic stress disorder, pain perception, mood processing, anxiety, and sadness. It really does work. C stands for counting, which I do in
3:55 between my deep breaths. So, it goes kind of like this. Breathe in 1. Breathe out two. The counting is important because it is a point of focus for your mind which would otherwise wander off to reimmerse itself in anger. You can count up to 10 and then repeat or count in multiples of two up to 10. I wouldn't advise going beyond 10 as the whole purpose of this exercise is to keep the mind focused on the counting. So you really want to keep it simple rather than over complicating things. I personally like to simplify as much as possible. So I just count up to two and repeat. D stands for distance.
4:43 If I've done it right, by the time I've carried out steps A, B, and C, I've calmed down enough to not need this step. However, if I'm still feeling out of sorts, I'll put some distance between myself and the person or situation that resulted in me losing my temper. Usually, I'll go for a walk outside. Putting distance between yourself and the source of anger is possible when it was due to a physical situation like a fight with a friend or family member, a situation of injustice, or something not going your way. However, if your anger is caused by a memory or some other mental formation, then putting physical distance is obviously impossible. In this case,
5:30 you'd still put distance, but it would be mental distance, like thinking about something else, such as a pleasurable memory or an anticipated future event. The goal of distancing is to put yourself either physically or mentally, whichever applies, far away from the source of anger. And finally, E stands for express. No, not the express train, but expressing yourself. Now that I'm calmer and more in control of my emotions, I would express my anger and the reasons for it to the other person. Basically, I make sure they understand the cause of my anger and we talk about it. Talking about anything,
6:17 especially something that was upsetting, is very important because you both get to see each other's points of view by talking it out. Not surprisingly, research shows that open communication results in a positive effect on self-esteem and a reduction in aggression. Now, in the case of anger caused by my own thoughts, like an unpleasant memory, there's obviously no other person to express myself to. In this case, I would discuss and review with myself about what caused me to lose my temper. Also, I would question myself as to whether this occurrence, which is obviously in the past and cannot be changed, is really worth getting angry over. I
7:03 always find that I come to the conclusion that anger is useless, especially because it's already passed and there's nothing that can be done about it. Also, anger is a very unpleasant feeling and it affects me the most. So, why would I willingly make myself experience that discomfort? There you go. That is the ABCDE E method for managing your anger. Want to recap? angles coming fast or slow. [Music] Breathing calms you down,
7:50 takes away your gloom and frown. Counting grounds your mind. So back to anger, it won't fly. Distance gives you space. Let you take things at your pace. Express let you say why you acted that way. So next time you're getting mad, try the ABC D method and be glad. So next time you're getting mad, try the ABC D method and be glad.
8:39 [Music]
