0:00 Have you ever experienced a situation like this? In the middle of a chat, the atmosphere suddenly freezes. Arguments and misunderstandings escalate. Have you ever thought about how to become a master of communication? No matter how difficult the topic is, you can make people feel comfortable and trust you with ease . You establish deep connections. Today we are going to talk about the book "Supercommunicators". He is a must-read book for the summer of 2024 selected by JP Morgan. The author is called Charles. Duhigg , a former reporter for the New York Times, has written many best-selling books, especially "The Power of Habit." In this new book, Duhigg reveals some communication secrets that even CIA employees and top doctors in the United States use . Learn these skills
0:45 for you. More likely to be able to chat with anyone Come and become the focus of the crowd. Next, I will tell you about this book - the matching principle. Have you ever felt that when you have a good conversation with others, your brain will resonate at the same frequency ? Just like many friends who love to learn are watching me. You may also feel this way when watching videos. This phenomenon is called neurosynchrony in brain science. Steps are like guitarists playing together. Their brain waves, breathing, pupil dilation, heartbeat, and even the electrical impulses on the skin will be synchronized in chatting. The same is true for a master communicator. How to synchronize with anyone depends on the topic you are talking about, decision-making emotions. If the type or social type
1:30 does not match, it is like a chicken talking to a duck . The other party wants emotional support , but instead of asking you to give a bunch of suggestions, you give a bunch of practical suggestions. This is not a match. The other party feels that you don't understand him at all , so you have to make a good match so that you can hear each other's voices and build trust. This is also used by the CIA in the United States. This leads to recruitment of spies. James, 30, in 1982 Lawler joined the CIA. He didn't know foreign languages, had no overseas work experience , and had never served in the military. But he was suddenly sent to France to recruit foreign spies. He wanted to use money to seduce diplomats from other countries. But he found that they were not short of money at all, and he took aim again. The Soviet consulate staff did not expect The other party was a Soviet intelligence officer and wanted to recruit him in reverse.
2:17 Later, Lawler became familiar with Yasmin, a diplomat from the Middle East, pretending to be an oil speculator. They ate and went shopping together and as their relationship became more and more familiar, Lawler confessed his identity and asked her if she would like to to CIA (CIA) Yasmin was frightened and refused the job on the spot, but it was a life-threatening situation. So Lawler asked his boss what to do. The boss said that to build trust, you have to understand her, protect her, and let him know that you care about her. Lawler mustered up the courage to ask Yasmin out for dinner. After eating a meal, I thought that if I can’t recruit spies , I will lose my job. Yasmin She said that she would go back to her hometown after dinner this time. She had worked hard for many years and had no achievements. She was very disappointed with herself. At this time, Lawler thought that
3:03 I had almost worked in sales and could not sell anything. In my thirties, I became a CIA employee but could not achieve a single achievement. Two destitute people came out and resonated. Lawler was about to say goodbye, but he didn't expect Yasmin to say She was willing, he wanted to change the Middle East, and he trusted Lawler very much , so Yasmin worked for the CIA for more than ten years and never betrayed . Lawler's most trusted partner, Lawler's trick worked repeatedly, and he became the best spy recruitment expert in the history of the CIA . So Whether it’s building relationships with others at home, at work or in a social setting The secret to trusting people is to match the conversation, truly listen to the other person, and be in sync with their emotions and thoughts so that we can win their heart. Next, let’s talk about
3:48 what you should do when faced with three different conversation types : 2. Decision-making conversation . Dialogue is actually about talking about things and finding solutions. To put it bluntly, it is negotiation. You have to figure out what the other party really wants. Dr. Behfar Ehdaie is a prostate cancer expert. For most patients, doctors usually do not recommend surgery but active monitoring. Because prostate cancer grows very slowly, the cancer of the sick elderly people has not had time to spread until the day they die. Moreover, there are many side effects of surgery, which may cause urination. Incontinence and other functional issues ? A doctor will also show the patient a bunch of data. 97% of men who choose conservative treatment have a similar risk of cancer spread as those who undergo surgery . However, the patient thinks that he is among the 3% of special people who
4:35 always want surgery, which makes the doctor confused. Why didn’t the patient understand after I explained so many things ? Then he suddenly realized In fact, he has ignored the patient's real concerns. He must change his communication method. Don't just emphasize the data , but ask more questions to understand the patient's experience and values. What they care about most is actually not to worry his family or affect his life or reference after retirement. This is what my friends around me do Ehd Dr. AIE finally convinced them based on their needs . This is just like our ancient Chinese doctors who always look, hear and ask. This is the truth. You have to first figure out what others want before you can discuss solutions. You want to figure out what others really want. Easy because others usually won't say it directly,
5:21 such as trade unions Leaders openly talk about fighting for higher wages. This may only be a superficial reason. The deeper reasons may be to establish a great image in front of supporters , to seize power from competitors , or just to express these needs. They are often very reserved. You have to listen more and observe more to know others. What do people want? I feel the same way when I am doing news interviews and education . I feel that the job of a reporter or teacher is not just to pass on information and knowledge , but more like a psychological counselor asking a few key questions and then being focused most of the time. I use this method to listen without making any judgment and synchronize with the other person’s emotions. Over the years, I have interviewed all kinds of people, from refugees from the Iraq War to gun victims
6:06 to drug addicts, orphans adopted internationally, etc. People from different countries and cultural backgrounds are willing to share their stories with me because of my interviewing skills. Is it very high? Actually, no, it’s just that I’m really interested in different people’s stories. Encounters and choices are very valuable experiences and historical information for me. I really feel that modern life is too busy. Most people seem to only care about their own little land. Once someone is willing to stop and listen to your story, you can will feel like their world is seen. Returning to the book, he emphasizes that negotiation is not a zero-sum game. This is Roger Fisher, a professor at Harvard Law School The insights he brought up were that he was involved in the Marshall Plan and the end of the Vietnam War. His research found that top negotiators focus on how to make the pie bigger
6:54 rather than fighting for the biggest piece. We need to stay curious, ask questions, and listen . The book "Respect Mutual Interests" quotes Professor Fisher. After understanding each other's needs, we can put forward various new suggestions and new ideas. Observe the topic of the other party's reaction and then guide the conversation towards a result that both parties are satisfied with. Three-emotional dialogue. Many people think that talking about emotions is unprofessional or even embarrassing , just like gossiping. But in fact, emotional dialogue is particularly useful, whether in private or in private. Whether you express emotion in conversations at work or not , emotions are already influencing your discussions, says
7:39 psychologist Nicolas Epley believes that the most effective dialogue is to ask people more about their inner thoughts, especially their values, feelings and experiences. When Epley was a teenager, he was always caught driving drunk and was taught a lesson by teachers and police. He couldn't listen to it many times until he met. His therapist never judged him, just asked a few neutral questions and listened to him. For example, if your car hit someone, how would you react? If you were arrested or injured or even hit someone, your life. What will change? These questions are not emotional, but Epley answers them well. Cheng Zhongzhong couldn't help but cry. She realized the seriousness of drunk driving as she spoke. Epley said that his parents had never
8:26 asked him about his feelings like a psychological counselor. In adolescence, he especially wanted to do some feats, such as drunk driving. He drove to prove himself to his peers. His parents always felt that they could think for their children. In fact, they only speculated on their thoughts as a superior person and scolded their children. So he was particularly resistant and felt that his parents did not understand him at all, so he became a psychiatrist. Epley Proposed a concept called Perspective Getting Perspective To get into someone else's heart, you need to ask them about their feelings, values, and concerns. These questions are powerful because they often prompt people to reveal their vulnerabilities. Showing personal vulnerability does not cause embarrassment but can There is a famous experiment to bring people closer together called The 36 Questions that Lead to Love 36 Questions That Lead to Love
9:13 is a series of profound questions that allow two strangers to establish an intimate relationship. These questions include : How do you foresee your death? What is your relationship with your mother ? Among all your family members, whose death will affect you? Feel most uneasy. Share a dilemma in your life. Researchers found that after the Q&A, participants were more connected than they were. Any relationship in our lives must be deep . Two people even got married six months later, so don’t be afraid to ask sensitive and profound questions, because the prerequisite of a deep relationship is to expose each other’s vulnerability. The author writes
10:19 4. Communicate in Conflict When Conflict Comes We often fall into the mentality of wanting to win. This book interviews Sheila, a negotiation expert at Harvard Law School. Heen found that many politicians and business leaders also did the same. She wrote in the book that before solving the problem, we must realize that behind every conflict there is more than one conflict. For example, a couple is arguing over whether to have a second child. On the surface, it is a desire. Another deep-seated conflict between having a second child and not wanting to have a second child is that one party feels that the other party doesn’t care what they want. Professor Heen agrees. Because
11:05 neither side is likely to compromise if you don't resolve the emotions behind the conflict. People are often reluctant to speak up about their feelings during an argument. They are worried that it will make them look weak or that their weakness will be taken advantage of by the other party. But they want to negotiate. To make progress, we must deal with emotional problems. What we lack is not solutions but the resolution of emotions. The author proposed Looping for Understanding Comprehension Circle
11:50 Ask Questions Restate what you heard to confirm that your understanding is correct. The book uses the discussion of the gun issue in the United States as an example of strong conflict. In the United States, the left advocates strict gun control and the right believes that gun ownership is a constitutional right . People often quarrel and fight when they get together, but society needs consensus. A solution can be found, so this time the two parties decided to sit down and have a good chat. At this time, the host set rules for them. They could only tell their own personal experiences and not use stories from hearsay on the Internet. They also had to tell them why they thought so and what they wanted. Emotions and values Audiences can ask questions, but the questions cannot be directional . Rebuttals are allowed in the form of inquiries , nor can moral trials
12:37 be packaged as questions or disguised attacks. Then a wonderful exchange occurred. A woman said that she witnessed a school shooting in high school. An angry student shot and killed her teacher , so she kept Another woman advocating for gun control said she had a relative at home. She felt unsafe after being attacked, so she bought a gun for self-protection. Another person said that he lived near the border and people were always smuggling drugs. Once, he used a rifle to drive away the intruders , so he supported gun ownership after opening his heart. Everyone understands each other that everyone’s position is not absolutely black and white, and everyone has their own way of doing it. I feel the same way about this. Years of debate training and interview training have made me realize that a mature society will inevitably have diverse voices and positions.
13:23 A truly mature person can analyze multiple angles of a matter and understand everyone's original intention and position. I will explore the experiences behind them and what is worth learning. This is Like what the author of The Great Gatsby said: Five social dialogues : We all have different circles. If we want people in different circles to communicate well , we must deal with everyone's sense of belonging. This group identity is our innate There was a famous study in the 1950s that put a group of 11-year-old boys in a summer camp. Randomly divided into two groups, one group is called rattlesnakes,
14:08 and the other group is called eagles. These children soon only like the people in their own team and start to become hostile to the people in the other team. From talking to using hands , human nature is when we feel that our circle is threatened. You will become defensive and unable to speak properly. What should you do? Don't attack people. The book mentions the example of a group of anti-vaccination people in the United States. They refuse to vaccinate their children for various reasons. Some say that vaccines will make them autistic, and some say that the US government promotes vaccines to control them. Some say Bill Gates tricked them into getting vaccinated in order to install chips into their bodies. These views lack scientific basis , but these people believe them so much that many babies are infected with
14:55 hepatitis B, diphtheria and poliomyelitis, which delays health. Doctors try to persuade them with data and research, but they don't listen at all . Some even say doctors He and the vaccine company all wanted to fool him into never seeing a doctor again, so he challenged him directly. People's beliefs are not used. The doctor changed his method instead of forcing persuasion. Instead, he talked more about their daily life to understand their identity and then found some common ground to get closer. One day, a doctor met a particularly religious uncle and asked him He talked about his faith and heard that his doctor loved his grandchildren very much, so he took the opportunity to talk about it. When the conversation about his children was about to end, the doctor said lightly. I can see that you care about the health of your grandchildren. Maybe
15:40 we doctors , laboratories and vaccines are arranged by God. As soon as the uncle heard this, he immediately took the children to get vaccinated. It’s been vaccinated, so preaching and arguing will only make people disgusted . If you really want people to change, then just You have to follow their tactics, which is called motivational interviewing in psychology. It was created in the 1980s to help alcoholics and drug addicts make up their minds to change. This is not about persuading , but asking questions and listening to what they talk about, so that they can find the motivation to change on their own . If you want to learn more about this persuasion technique, you can read another book called "How Minds Change How to Change Thinking and Positions" I saw in 2023 that it was really enlightening that grassroots political canvassing in the United States used this trick called in-depth lobbying
16:25 to make the other party feel that you are really listening attentively and respecting them, and then guide them to speak out. Please repeat your thoughts to make sure you heard them correctly. Then guide them to recall relevant life experiences. Sometimes their own experiences may conflict with their values. At this time, they will debate with themselves. You can share your own experiences along the way, and they will be convinced by themselves . The success rate of this method can reach 10% In 2020, it helped Biden win a lot of votes and changed the outcome of the general election. To summarize, if you want every conversation to be meaningful, you can follow these four key guidelines. Match the type of conversation and analyze what kind of conversation decision-making you want to have. Type Emotional or Social Type
17:11 2. Share and explore goals. Don’t be afraid to say what you want. At the same time, you have to understand what the other person wants. 3. Ask and share feelings. Emotions are communication. Listen to the other person's feelings and share your own feelings. This can deepen the trust between you. 4. Explore the importance of identity. Is your conversation related to group identity? If so, don't deny other people's circles but go with it. At the end of their book, they also emphasize the findings of Harvard’s decades of happiness research , which is that the quality of interpersonal relationships is the key to happiness in life, so we must learn how to communicate. Communication is not only good for work but also makes life more comfortable and happier. Communication is not a battle but a bridge
17:56 connecting every independent individual. It does not require us to give up our own opinions but requires us to expand our horizons to embrace diverse voices. The charm of this book lies in its storytelling. The author relies on his experience as a senior reporter to accompany each point of view and research with a very readable story. However, it also has some shortcomings. The drawback is that the structure is relatively loose and the connection between principles is not clear. But even so, this book is still worth reading. Its reading difficulty is about the same as that of "The New York Times". If you can persist in reading, your vocabulary will be very solid . Most personal growth-related English books are out of the question. That’s it for today’s lecture. I am Xia Binghai, who loves reading original English books. See you next time.
